IRS audits Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye..

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!

Stimulus 101

 STIMULUS 101 (You gotta love it America)
Stimulus 101
Sometime later this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus Payment.
The Federal Government is very excited about what they are going to give us with this new program.
Let me try to explain to you how it works, using a simple Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of what you sent them.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase an HD TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.



Some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China ..
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs ..
If you buy a computer, it will go to India ..
If you buy fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan ..
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan ..
If you pay off your credit cards or buy stock, it'll go to executive bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
INSTEAD, keep the money in America by:
1) spending it at Yard Sales, or
2) going to Ball Games, or
3) spending it on Prostitutes, or
4) Beer, or
5) Tattoos.
These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.
So, I'm going to the ball game and drink beer with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a yard sale.

Bad economy

The economy is so bad...

How bad is it?!?

The economy is so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

The economy is so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind
the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

The economy is so bad, CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad, if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient
Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

The economy is so bad, Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher
than GM.

The economy is so bad, McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

The economy is so bad, parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and
learned their children's names.

The economy is so bad, a truckload of Mexicans in the US illegally was
caught sneaking back into Mexico .

The economy is so bad, Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

The economy is so bad, Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The economy is so bad, the Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad, Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.