Medical funnies

Embarrassing Medical Exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's going

to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed

out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take

off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were

several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on

an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior

chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they

used to be,'. . .replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a

wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial

infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her

reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a

'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with

his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was

having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I

asked. 'The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one

every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put

it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped

I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his

body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch

before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I

asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of

complete confusion she answered 'Why, not for about twenty

years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson - Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and

while checking up on a man I asked 'So how's your breakfast

this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky

Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil

packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young

woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk,

sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange

clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the

patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for

immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the

operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had

been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read

'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short

note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry ... had

to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB I was quite

embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover

my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of

whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was

performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and

further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and

sheepishly said 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from

laughing so hard 'No doctor but the song you were whistling

was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener''.

Dr. wouldn't submit his name....

ONE MORE

Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a

smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,

waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first

exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked

his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby

was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and

rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and

detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the

doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't

have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.'

You Might Be from Montana

Jeff Foxworthy on Montana

If "vacation" to you means going shopping for the weekend in Butte, Deer Lodge, Anaconda,or Missoula. (while the kids swim at the Comfort Inn),

You might live in Montana

If parking your car for the night involves an extension cord

You might live in Montana

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 8 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,

You might live in Montana

If you're proud that your state makes the national news primarily because it houses the coldest spot in the nation,

You might live in Montana

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy",

You might live in Montana

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March,

You might live in Montana

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there,

You might live in Montana.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead,

You might live in Montana.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time,

You might live in Montana.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,

You might live in Montana.

If you know how to correctly pronounce Absarokee, Choteau, Ekalaka, and Hysham.

You might live in Montana.

If you measure distance in hours,

You might live in Montana.

If your family vehicle is a crew cab pickup,

You might live in Montana.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once,

You might live in Montana.

If you often switch from "heat" to "A/C"in the same day and back again,

You might live in Montana.

If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching,

You might live in Montana.

If you see people wearing hunting clothes at social events,

You might live in Montana.

If you've installed security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked,

You might live in Montana.

If the largest traffic jam in your town centers around a high school basketball game,

You might live in Montana.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them,

You might live in Montana.

If there are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Wal-Mart at any given time,

You might live in Montana.

If there are more people at work on Christmas Eve Day than on Opening of Deer Season,

You might live in Montana.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,

You might live in Montana.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow,

You might live in Montana.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction,

You might live inMontana

If you can identify a southern or eastern accent,

You might live in Montana.

If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce,

You might live in Montana.

If a brat is something you eat,

You might live in Montana.

If finding your misplaced car keys involves looking in the ignition,

You might live in Montana.

If you go out to a fish fry every Friday,

You might live in Montana.

If you find 0 degrees "a little warm,"

You might live in Montana.

If you actually understand these observations, and you forward them to all your Montana friends,

You must be from Montana.

11th husband

The 11th Husband...

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it..

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it...... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".



"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the
"GOVERNMENT"

This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1959 vs. 2009

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1959 vs. 2009
This should hit every email inbox to show how stupid we have become!!

Scenario 1:
Joe goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Joe's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Joe. (this actually happened in 1959)
2009 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Joe hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers..

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1959 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2009 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1959 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again..
2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1959 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1959 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2009 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1959 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1959 - Ants die.
2009 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1959 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing...
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.


This should hit every email inbox to show how stupid we have become!!

How Fights Start

 
My wife sat down on the seat next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,
'What's on the TV?'

I said, 'lots of Dust.'

And then the fight started...



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My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....



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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...



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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....



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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds..'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started....






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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too..'

And then the fight started....



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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...



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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter took my order first.

"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...



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A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....