Medical funnies

Embarrassing Medical Exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's going

to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed

out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take

off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were

several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on

an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior

chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they

used to be,'. . .replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a

wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial

infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her

reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a

'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with

his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was

having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I

asked. 'The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one

every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put

it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped

I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his

body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch

before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I

asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of

complete confusion she answered 'Why, not for about twenty

years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson - Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and

while checking up on a man I asked 'So how's your breakfast

this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky

Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil

packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young

woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk,

sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange

clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the

patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for

immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the

operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had

been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read

'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short

note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry ... had

to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB I was quite

embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover

my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of

whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was

performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and

further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and

sheepishly said 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from

laughing so hard 'No doctor but the song you were whistling

was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener''.

Dr. wouldn't submit his name....

ONE MORE

Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a

smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,

waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first

exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked

his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby

was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and

rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and

detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the

doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't

have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.'