A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Fall Classes for Women
Fall Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Wednesday December 9, 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. You are encouraged to register early
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday ' s noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Send this to all your guy friends for the best chuckle of their day ....
And to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Wednesday December 9, 2009
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. You are encouraged to register early
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday ' s noon, 2 hours.
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
Send this to all your guy friends for the best chuckle of their day ....
And to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor
Thursday, November 19, 2009
IRS audits Grandpa
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye..
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!!
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye..
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Stimulus 101
STIMULUS 101 (You gotta love it America)
Stimulus 101
Sometime later this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus Payment.
The Federal Government is very excited about what they are going to give us with this new program.
Let me try to explain to you how it works, using a simple Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of what you sent them.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase an HD TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China ..
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs ..
If you buy a computer, it will go to India ..
If you buy fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan ..
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan ..
If you pay off your credit cards or buy stock, it'll go to executive bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
INSTEAD, keep the money in America by:
1) spending it at Yard Sales, or
2) going to Ball Games, or
3) spending it on Prostitutes, or
4) Beer, or
5) Tattoos.
These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.
So, I'm going to the ball game and drink beer with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a yard sale.
Stimulus 101
Sometime later this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus Payment.
The Federal Government is very excited about what they are going to give us with this new program.
Let me try to explain to you how it works, using a simple Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of what you sent them.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase an HD TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China ..
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs ..
If you buy a computer, it will go to India ..
If you buy fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan ..
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan ..
If you pay off your credit cards or buy stock, it'll go to executive bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
INSTEAD, keep the money in America by:
1) spending it at Yard Sales, or
2) going to Ball Games, or
3) spending it on Prostitutes, or
4) Beer, or
5) Tattoos.
These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.
So, I'm going to the ball game and drink beer with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a yard sale.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Bad economy
The economy is so bad...
How bad is it?!?
The economy is so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
The economy is so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind
the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
The economy is so bad, CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad, if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient
Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
The economy is so bad, Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher
than GM.
The economy is so bad, McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
The economy is so bad, parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and
learned their children's names.
The economy is so bad, a truckload of Mexicans in the US illegally was
caught sneaking back into Mexico .
The economy is so bad, Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
The economy is so bad, Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad, the Mafia is laying off judges.
The economy is so bad, Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
How bad is it?!?
The economy is so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
The economy is so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind
the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
The economy is so bad, CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
The economy is so bad, if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient
Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
The economy is so bad, Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher
than GM.
The economy is so bad, McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
The economy is so bad, parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and
learned their children's names.
The economy is so bad, a truckload of Mexicans in the US illegally was
caught sneaking back into Mexico .
The economy is so bad, Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
The economy is so bad, Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The economy is so bad, the Mafia is laying off judges.
The economy is so bad, Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Friday, October 30, 2009
4 Catholic men and a woman
Four Catholic men
and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is
a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a
Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When
he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men
give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" stomach
and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is
a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a
Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When
he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men
give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" stomach
and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Mom for dinner
HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,
Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more
curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer
than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:
__________________________________________________________
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
_________________________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
____________________________________________________
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,
Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more
curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer
than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:
__________________________________________________________
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
_________________________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
____________________________________________________
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Irish Humor
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
ababab
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
ababab
Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians.." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
ababab
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
ababab
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
ababab
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
ababab
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In th e morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
ababab
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
ababab
Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians.." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
ababab
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
ababab
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
ababab
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
ababab
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In th e morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 10 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute....'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family..'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.....(takes a breath).....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 10 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute....'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family..'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.....(takes a breath).....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Jokes you can tell in church
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month.. Having never married , she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month.. Having never married , she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friday, August 7, 2009
true stuff
Stella Awards
It's that time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right ladies and gentlemen; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stella’s for the past year:
*SEVENTH PLACE*
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was
awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!
* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Scratch some more...
* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...
Double hand scratching after this one...
*FOURTH PLACE*
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot…
* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30=20 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Only two more so ease up on the scratching....
*SECOND PLACE*
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!!
* FIRST PLACE *
Drum Roll Please!
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
It's that time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right ladies and gentlemen; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stella’s for the past year:
*SEVENTH PLACE*
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was
awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!
* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
Scratch some more...
* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...
Double hand scratching after this one...
*FOURTH PLACE*
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot…
* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30=20 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?
Only two more so ease up on the scratching....
*SECOND PLACE*
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
Ok. Here we go!!
* FIRST PLACE *
Drum Roll Please!
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Oregonians
THIS IS WHAT JEFF FOXWORTHY HAS TO SAY ABOUT 'LIVING IN OREGON !
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Oregon .
If you've worn shorts, sandals and a parka at the same time, you live in Oregon .
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you live in Oregon .
If you measure distance in hours, you live in Oregon .
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Oregon .
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' and back again in the same day, you live in Oregon .
If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both doors unlocked, you live in Oregon
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Central, Southern or Eastern Oregon.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a 2 layers of clothes or under a raincoat, you live in Oregon.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow and ice, you live in Oregon .
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Oregon .
If you feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash, you live in Oregon.
If you know more than 10 ways to order coffee, you live in Oregon.
If you know more people who own boats than air conditioners, you live in Oregon.
If you stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal, you live in Oregon
If you consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain, you live in Oregon.
If you can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Dutch Bros, you live in Oregon.
If you know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon, you live in Oregon.
If you know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Abiqua, Issaquah, Oregon, Umpqua, Yakima and Willamette, you live in Oregon.
If you consider swimming an indoor sport, you live in Oregon.
If you know that Boring is a city and not just a feeling, you live in Oregon.
If you can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food, you live in Oregon.
If you never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho, you live in Oregon.
If you have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain, you live in Oregon.
If you think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists, you live in Oregon.
If you buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time, you live in Oregon.
If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your OREGON friends, you live or have lived in Oregon..
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Gas attack !!!!!
WARNING : ONLY read this once you are able to LAUGH OUT LOUD!!!!! Hysterics might set in. The writer of this piece paints a very vivid picture... funny stuff. You will laugh - guaranteed! ENJOY!!
I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road kill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
captured by terrorists
Captured by Terrorists
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq .
The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.
Katie Couric said,'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken.
Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
Charlie Gibson said, I'm living in ' New York , so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'
The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music.
He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.
Gibson was satisfied.
Brian Williams said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.
He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish??"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
"No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.
In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place?? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass??"
"What ???" replied the Marine, "and have you three ass-holes report that I was the aggressor....???"
Semper Fi!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Darn Newfangled Digital TV
| I Need Your Help…
|
backwards collar
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
Thursday, May 14, 2009
cowboy
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women.. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence..
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women.. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence..
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Thoughts of Men
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna
divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna
divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'
Saturday, April 4, 2009
how old is grandpa ?
.Subject: Fwd: How old is Grandpa?
interesting...
>>> LBINNEY 4/2/2009 2:54 PM >>>
How old is Grandpa???
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current
events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings
at schools, the computer age, and things in general.
he Grandfather replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill.
There were no:
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens.
Man had not invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to
dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the
moon.
Your Grandmother and I got married first .. . .then lived together..
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'. And after I
turned 25, I still
called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare
centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and
common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to
stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a
bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening
breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and
weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters,
yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches
on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to
Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and
10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all
a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough
stamps to mail 1 letter and
2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
' 'grass' was mowed,
' 'coke' was a cold drink,
' 'pot' was something your mother
cooked in and
' 'rock music' was your
grandmother's lullaby.
' 'Aids' were helpers in the
Principal's office,
' ' chip' meant a piece of wood,
' 'hardware' was found in a
hardware store and
' 'software' wasn't even a word.
No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a
generation gap... and how old do
you think I am?
I bet you have this old man in mind... you are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at
the same time.
Are you ready ?????
This man would be only 59 years old.
interesting...
>>> LBINNEY 4/2/2009 2:54 PM >>>
How old is Grandpa???
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current
events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings
at schools, the computer age, and things in general.
he Grandfather replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
' television
' penicillin
' polio shots
' frozen foods
' Xerox
' contact lenses
' Frisbees and
' the pill.
There were no:
' credit cards
' laser beams or
' ball-point pens.
Man had not invented:
' pantyhose
' air conditioners
' dishwashers
' clothes dryers
' and the clothes were hung out to
dry in the fresh air and
' man hadn't yet walked on the
moon.
Your Grandmother and I got married first .. . .then lived together..
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'. And after I
turned 25, I still
called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare
centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and
common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to
stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a
bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening
breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and
weekends-not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters,
yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches
on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to
Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and
10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all
a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough
stamps to mail 1 letter and
2 postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day:
' 'grass' was mowed,
' 'coke' was a cold drink,
' 'pot' was something your mother
cooked in and
' 'rock music' was your
grandmother's lullaby.
' 'Aids' were helpers in the
Principal's office,
' ' chip' meant a piece of wood,
' 'hardware' was found in a
hardware store and
' 'software' wasn't even a word.
No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a
generation gap... and how old do
you think I am?
I bet you have this old man in mind... you are in for a shock!
Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at
the same time.
Are you ready ?????
This man would be only 59 years old.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
The Dam
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read State's letter before you get to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2008.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 7/17/07 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)
I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.
If you want the stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2008? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES
& THE DAM BEAVERS
Thursday, February 26, 2009
the knob
If this doesn't make you laugh, you're
> dead!!!!
>
> A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a
> new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small
> knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and
> could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the
> effect of a brand new
> face-lift. Of course, the woman
> wanted 'The Knob.'
>
> Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the
> knob,
> and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained
> young
> looking and vibrant.
>
> After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon
> with
> two problems.
>
>
> 'All these years, everything has been working just
>
> fine. I've had to turn the knob many times
> and
> I've always loved the results. But now I've
> developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
> terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get
> rid
> of them.'
>
> The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those
> aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
>
> She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in
> asking about the goatee.'
>
> dead!!!!
>
> A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a
> new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small
> knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and
> could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the
> effect of a brand new
> face-lift. Of course, the woman
> wanted 'The Knob.'
>
> Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the
> knob,
> and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained
> young
> looking and vibrant.
>
> After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon
> with
> two problems.
>
>
> 'All these years, everything has been working just
>
> fine. I've had to turn the knob many times
> and
> I've always loved the results. But now I've
> developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
> terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get
> rid
> of them.'
>
> The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those
> aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
>
> She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in
> asking about the goatee.'
>
Monday, February 23, 2009
clean and funny
>
> > One day, a man came home and was greeted by
> his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
> 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can
> do anything you want.'
> So he tied her up and went golfing.
>
>
> *****************************************
>
> A woman came home, screeching her car into the
> driveway, and ran into the
> house.
> She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
> lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
> The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I
> pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
> 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get
> out.'
>
>
>
>
> ********************************************
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
> always right, and the other is a husband.
>
>
>
>
> *************************************
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a
> driver's license.
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight
> test.
> The optician showed him a card with
> the letters
>
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> 'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
> 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I
> know the guy.'
>
>
> ******************************************
>
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and
> said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We
> have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
> 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
> 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ********************************************
>
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her
> husband.
> Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
> 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more
> butter! Oh my gosh! You're
> cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
> THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we
> going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
> STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You
> NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn
> them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your
> mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
> always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE
> SALT! THE SALT!'
> The wife stared at him.
>
> 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think
> I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
> The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you
> what it feels like when I'm driving.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ********************************************************
>
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina
> mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
> On his first day in basic training, the Army issued
> him a comb.
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his
> hair.
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a
> toothbrush.
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his
> teeth.
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock
> strap.
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51
> years.
> *******************************************
>
>
> "Life's tough; tougher when you're
> stupid." - John Wayne
> > One day, a man came home and was greeted by
> his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
> 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can
> do anything you want.'
> So he tied her up and went golfing.
>
>
> *****************************************
>
> A woman came home, screeching her car into the
> driveway, and ran into the
> house.
> She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
> lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
> The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I
> pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
> 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get
> out.'
>
>
>
>
> ********************************************
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
> always right, and the other is a husband.
>
>
>
>
> *************************************
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a
> driver's license.
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight
> test.
> The optician showed him a card with
> the letters
>
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> 'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
> 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I
> know the guy.'
>
>
> ******************************************
>
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and
> said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We
> have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
> 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
> 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ********************************************
>
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her
> husband.
> Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
> 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more
> butter! Oh my gosh! You're
> cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
> THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we
> going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
> STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You
> NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn
> them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your
> mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
> always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE
> SALT! THE SALT!'
> The wife stared at him.
>
> 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think
> I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
> The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you
> what it feels like when I'm driving.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ********************************************************
>
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina
> mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
> On his first day in basic training, the Army issued
> him a comb.
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his
> hair.
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a
> toothbrush.
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his
> teeth.
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock
> strap.
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51
> years.
> *******************************************
>
>
> "Life's tough; tougher when you're
> stupid." - John Wayne
Saturday, February 14, 2009
mexican vocabulary
Mexican words of the day
1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair
10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
Friday, February 13, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Purina Diet
Yesterday I bought 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for my dogs I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think, that I had an elephant?
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the Purina dog food ;is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Some old stuff
| |||||||||
| Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. | |||||||||
| It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker. | |||||||||
| These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, ' For fast relief.' | |||||||||
| THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. |
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!
Monday, February 2, 2009
Duck hunting dummies
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN ?
ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION
REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.
A guy bought a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 (with monthly payments
of $560). He and a friend go duck hunting in northern Wisconsin . It's
mid-winter. And of course, all the lakes are frozen.
These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the
new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to create some natural looking open water
for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float in. Now making
a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck is going to take a
little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the
new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second fuse. Now our two
Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after
lighting the fuse and becoming toast, along with the Navigator, decide on the following
course of action: They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty toss, they
throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. Remember a couple of
paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING,
especially things thrown by its master. You guessed it. The dog takes off
across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the
burning 40 second fuse, just as it hits the ice. The two men swallow, blink, start waving
their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of
rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently
cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun
and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big
enough to stop a black lab at long range. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused,
then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing,
becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses
have gone INSANE. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new
Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe
on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under
the truck and takes off after his master. Then "" "" "" BOOOOOOOOOOOOM"" "" "" ! ! ! !
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving our two idiots
standing there with, "I can't believe this just happened!" looks on their faces. The insurance
company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by Illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED
by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments.
The dog is okay...doing fine...
And you thought Rednecks lived in the South....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)