Sunday, August 31, 2008
the Wish
The Wish
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled
upon an unusual old lamp. She picked it up and cleaned
it off, and suddenly a Genie appeared. The amazed woman
asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant
downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and
fierce global competition, I can only grant you one
wish. So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the
Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop
fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady!
These countries have been at war for thousands of years.
I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done.
Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've
never been able to find the right man. You know, one
that's considerate and fun,
likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good
in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch
sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I
wish for... a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said,
"Let me see that damn map!"
Trailer Park Test
Trailer Park Test
You know you're trailer trash when......
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has
more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter
smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and
still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league"
bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their
restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying,
"Hey watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner
are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house
exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down,
depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the
fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your
card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because
there's a law against it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your
wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20 . Your front porch collapses and kills
more than five dogs.
How to speak Chinese
Friday, August 29, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Translating Bush
Translating Bush
Bush: "The Taliban was a sponsor and servant of terrorism. When confronted, that regime chose defiance, and that regime is no more."
Translation: The Taliban has been regrouping, US soldiers are being picked off in Afghanistan, but damn I look good in a flak jacket
Bush: "Across Iraq, life is being improved by liberty."
Translation: There's no water, no electricity, no sewage system, and no security, but Iraqis can watch me on battery-powered TV.
Bush: "Across the Middle East, people are safer because an unstable aggressor has been removed from power. Across the world, nations are more secure because an ally of terror has fallen."
Translation: Anti-occupation recruitment and suicide bombers are just a fad. They're acting out, like the twins. C'mon, girls, give Daddy a kiss!
Bush: "Our international coalition in Iraq is meeting its responsibilities."
Translation: It's not my fault US troops just shot eight Iraqi policemen, and in August the killed six Iraqis, including a father and three of his children. I want to make that perfectly clear to all Americans aged 18 and above.
Bush: "Our actions in Afghanistan and Iraq were supported by many governments and America is grateful to each one."
Translation: Britain is more than one country, you know.
Bush: "The regime of Saddam Hussein cultivated ties to terror while it built weapons of mass destruction. It used those weapons in acts of mass murder and refused to account for them when confronted by the world."
Translation: Hey, I'm not stupid. I know Saddam didn't have a role in 9/11 or weapons of mass destruction, but that sneaky little varmint tried to play the big man. Lucky me!
Bush: "The primary goal of our coalition in Iraq is self-government for the people of Iraq, reached by orderly and democratic process."
Translation: As soon as Halliburton milks the place dry we'll hand it back over.
Bush: "Iraq now has a governing council; the first truly representative institution in that country."
Translation: The CIA selected the best ingrates, I mean, exiles available.
Bush: "Every young democracy needs the help of friends."
Translation: Old democracies can do whatever daggone thing they want.
Bush: "Now the nation of Iraq needs and deserves our aid."
Translation: $80 billion's just the tip of the Iraq trough. A man's got mouths to feed.
Bush: "The Taliban was a sponsor and servant of terrorism. When confronted, that regime chose defiance, and that regime is no more."
Translation: The Taliban has been regrouping, US soldiers are being picked off in Afghanistan, but damn I look good in a flak jacket
Bush: "Across Iraq, life is being improved by liberty."
Translation: There's no water, no electricity, no sewage system, and no security, but Iraqis can watch me on battery-powered TV.
Bush: "Across the Middle East, people are safer because an unstable aggressor has been removed from power. Across the world, nations are more secure because an ally of terror has fallen."
Translation: Anti-occupation recruitment and suicide bombers are just a fad. They're acting out, like the twins. C'mon, girls, give Daddy a kiss!
Bush: "Our international coalition in Iraq is meeting its responsibilities."
Translation: It's not my fault US troops just shot eight Iraqi policemen, and in August the killed six Iraqis, including a father and three of his children. I want to make that perfectly clear to all Americans aged 18 and above.
Bush: "Our actions in Afghanistan and Iraq were supported by many governments and America is grateful to each one."
Translation: Britain is more than one country, you know.
Bush: "The regime of Saddam Hussein cultivated ties to terror while it built weapons of mass destruction. It used those weapons in acts of mass murder and refused to account for them when confronted by the world."
Translation: Hey, I'm not stupid. I know Saddam didn't have a role in 9/11 or weapons of mass destruction, but that sneaky little varmint tried to play the big man. Lucky me!
Bush: "The primary goal of our coalition in Iraq is self-government for the people of Iraq, reached by orderly and democratic process."
Translation: As soon as Halliburton milks the place dry we'll hand it back over.
Bush: "Iraq now has a governing council; the first truly representative institution in that country."
Translation: The CIA selected the best ingrates, I mean, exiles available.
Bush: "Every young democracy needs the help of friends."
Translation: Old democracies can do whatever daggone thing they want.
Bush: "Now the nation of Iraq needs and deserves our aid."
Translation: $80 billion's just the tip of the Iraq trough. A man's got mouths to feed.
female views
How Women See Men
Men are like ...
....Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you
... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
... Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough.
... Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why
... Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
... Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
... Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
... Popcorn ........ They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
... Snowstorms.......You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
... Lava Lamps......Fun to look at, but not very bright.
... Parking Spots....All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Men are like ...
....Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you
... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
... Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough.
... Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why
... Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
... Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
... Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
... Popcorn ........ They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
... Snowstorms.......You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
... Lava Lamps......Fun to look at, but not very bright.
... Parking Spots....All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Modern Times
Modern Times
You know you are living in modern times when -
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
AND..............
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."
15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
You know you are living in modern times when -
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
AND..............
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."
15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Why did the chicken cross the road ?
t’s gets better at the end……
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is
help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'
problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........
reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
Monday, August 25, 2008
How to 'play' Navy
30 Ways To Simulate Being In The Navy When You're At Home
1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of
communication should be with letters that your neighbors have
held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know
or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill,
and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from
the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek,
or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current
events.
4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital
information (i.e.: plugged in, lights come on when doors open,
etc)
5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of
40 people using the same commode.
6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four-hour period.
7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean
and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you
look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to
ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or
night.
10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then
play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get
back to your favorite CD.
11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your
bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10
inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is
four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed
to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first
hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and
night crew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a
rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three
hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire
alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave
rock band.
13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage
and wait two weeks before eating them.
14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can
grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat
everything in three minutes.
15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker
and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore
power.
16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to
simulate a 'black water system' boo-boo.
17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the
face shield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of
it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you
are in the bathroom.
18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances.
Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint
everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls.
Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to
simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or
until it is hard and stale.
23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly
to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst
looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they
carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home
taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges
you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin
blanket for warmth.
26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that
provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a
weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to
95 deg C.
27. Use only spoons that hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it
needs it or not.
29. Remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, *it's* *an*
*adventure!*
30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal
plant on the ship picking up jp5 in the intake -- if a lit match
thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.
1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of
communication should be with letters that your neighbors have
held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know
or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill,
and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from
the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek,
or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current
events.
4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital
information (i.e.: plugged in, lights come on when doors open,
etc)
5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of
40 people using the same commode.
6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four-hour period.
7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean
and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you
look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to
ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or
night.
10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then
play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get
back to your favorite CD.
11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your
bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10
inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is
four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed
to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first
hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and
night crew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a
rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three
hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire
alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave
rock band.
13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage
and wait two weeks before eating them.
14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can
grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat
everything in three minutes.
15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker
and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore
power.
16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to
simulate a 'black water system' boo-boo.
17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the
face shield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of
it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you
are in the bathroom.
18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances.
Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint
everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls.
Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to
simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or
until it is hard and stale.
23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly
to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst
looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they
carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home
taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges
you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin
blanket for warmth.
26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that
provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a
weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to
95 deg C.
27. Use only spoons that hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it
needs it or not.
29. Remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, *it's* *an*
*adventure!*
30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal
plant on the ship picking up jp5 in the intake -- if a lit match
thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.
women over 40
Women Over 40
G-Rated
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it .
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
12584
Monday, August 18, 2008
Abbott and Costello
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
Buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT : Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
Proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT:! Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window's.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
Sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some
Straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
My money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
Buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT : Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
Proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT:! Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window's.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
Sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some
Straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
My money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'
How to have a long marriage
At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!
The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what
you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go back and-a get her."
Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!
The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what
you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go back and-a get her."
Manlaws
From: The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss's car. (d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you ' re sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
-'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
-'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next!'
We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.
Halloween costume
A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so
he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief Will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company
another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel
and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so
he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief Will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your
Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company
another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel
and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your
wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co
Good Texan
A Good Texan
As a Texan is walking through his field, he sees a man drinking water from a stock tank with one of his hands.
The Texan shouts,,,,,,,," Hey don't drink that water,,,, It has cow shit in
it!!!!!!!!!!!
The Man shouts back "Soy mexicano, yo no entiendo inglés. Hábleme
español.".
(I'm Mexican, I don't speak English. speak Spanish to me)
The Texan shouts back,,,,,, "Utilice ambas manos, usted conseguirá más
para beber." (Use both hands, you'll get more to drink)
As a Texan is walking through his field, he sees a man drinking water from a stock tank with one of his hands.
The Texan shouts,,,,,,,," Hey don't drink that water,,,, It has cow shit in
it!!!!!!!!!!!
The Man shouts back "Soy mexicano, yo no entiendo inglés. Hábleme
español.".
(I'm Mexican, I don't speak English. speak Spanish to me)
The Texan shouts back,,,,,, "Utilice ambas manos, usted conseguirá más
para beber." (Use both hands, you'll get more to drink)
Fightin' Words
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we were alongside the road and slowly the driver got out of his car. . . and you know how you just get sooo stressed out and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... he was a DWARF!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, OK ... which one are you then?"
. . . and that's when the fight started!
Thanks for 2007
My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this
past year........
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program ....
Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7
million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a
customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you,
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail
to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling
up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with an
aftershave sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my bum.
And thanks to your great advice,
I can't even pick up the $50.00 I found dropped in the car ! park be
cause it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your
back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beauticians relative once removed.
By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity
always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!
past year........
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program ....
Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7
million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a
customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you,
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail
to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling
up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with an
aftershave sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,
Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my bum.
And thanks to your great advice,
I can't even pick up the $50.00 I found dropped in the car ! park be
cause it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your
back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beauticians relative once removed.
By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has
discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity
always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!
Cheap
Four retired enlisted service men are walking down a street in
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign
that says, 'Old Timers' Bar - all drinks 10 cents.' They look
at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be
true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be,
Gentlemen?'
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask
for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced
martinis... Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents
each, please.'
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each
other... They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents,
finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again
saying 'That's 40 cents, please' They pay the 40 cents, but their
curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two
martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a dime apiece?'
'I'm a retired GI from Boston,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted
to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to
open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all
the same.'
Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men. The four of them
sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys
at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and
hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and
asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'Oh, they're retired Navy Chiefs. They're waiting
for happy hour when drinks are half price.'
Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign
that says, 'Old Timers' Bar - all drinks 10 cents.' They look
at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be
true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be,
Gentlemen?'
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask
for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced
martinis... Shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents
each, please.'
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each
other... They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents,
finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again
saying 'That's 40 cents, please' They pay the 40 cents, but their
curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two
martinis, and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a dime apiece?'
'I'm a retired GI from Boston,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted
to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to
open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all
the same.'
Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men. The four of them
sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys
at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and
hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and
asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'Oh, they're retired Navy Chiefs. They're waiting
for happy hour when drinks are half price.'
Remembering
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the
room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today.
The Buffalo Theory
In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this . .
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells . But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells . But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
Household cleaning tip
How to clean a toilet.
![[]](http://f555.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f6362%5fANc6vs4AAHO7SAUQpgIpPx85SeM&pid=2.2.2&fid=funny%2520stuff&inline=1)
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
![[]](http://f555.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f6362%5fANc6vs4AAHO7SAUQpgIpPx85SeM&pid=2.2.3&fid=funny%2520stuff&inline=1)
![[]](http://f555.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f6362%5fANc6vs4AAHO7SAUQpgIpPx85SeM&pid=2.2.4&fid=funny%2520stuff&inline=1)
Sincerely,
The Dog
![[]](http://f555.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f6362%5fANc6vs4AAHO7SAUQpgIpPx85SeM&pid=2.2.5&fid=funny%2520stuff&inline=1)
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Blond flashers
When Cardboard Men Come In Handy
A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.
The blond driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. A car gets a flat on the interstate one day.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at therear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.
It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blond of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's going on here?'
'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly.
'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.
'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blond. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'
Customer complaints
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all
of those kids yours?"
of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
Sad News
Sad News
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The
Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part
for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg
in. And then the trouble started.
Shut up. You know it's funny. Now send it on to someone else and make
them smile.
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The
Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part
for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg
in. And then the trouble started.
Shut up. You know it's funny. Now send it on to someone else and make
them smile.
Sweet Old Lady
Sweet little lady
Toward the end of Sunday service, the minister asked,
'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Neely, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
'I don't have any' she replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight..' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front
And tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years
And not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
Faced the congregation, and said:
'I outlived the bitches.'
Meet Marvin
Meet Marvin, men's answer to Maxine
Men strike back!
Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat
a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when
a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
--------------------------- ----------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
---------------------- ---------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men?
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, n either God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle the truth !
AND MAXINE SAYS.. ."MARVIN"...
Maxine just had to have the last word...lol
.
Be careful what you ask for
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir . How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there .'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. ' Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)