Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Sex On Mars
SEX ON MARS
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and
are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock
market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the
subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night to experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go
off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie
member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,
his member grows wider and wider, until the entire measurement is
extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate
love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about
you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and
are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock
market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the
subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night to experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go
off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie
member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,
his member grows wider and wider, until the entire measurement is
extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate
love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about
you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
Monday, December 8, 2008
4 funnies
Top Four Adult Jokes
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
Third Place:
One night as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?' 'I got fired.' 'No Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.'
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal ‘
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is
Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I under stand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh!t.'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I under stand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'
The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh!t.'
Monday, October 13, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
hillbilly vasectomy
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
>>> enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
>>>
>>> So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that
>>> he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
>>>
>>> The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
>>> vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
>>> expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the
>>> doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks
>>> are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can
>>> (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to
>>> 10.'
>>>
>>> The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the
>>> smartest tool in the shed, bu t I don't see how putting
>>> a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help
>>> me.'
>>>
>>> 'Trust me,' said the doctor.
>>>
>>> So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a
>>> beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
>>>
>>> '1'
>>> '2'
>>> '3'
>>> '4'
>>> '5'
>>>
>>> At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his
>>> legs and continued counting on his other hand.
>>>
>>> This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky ,
>>> Louisiana Arkansas, Mississippi , Missouri , West
>>> Virginia , Wisconsin and Washington DC
>>> enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
>>>
>>> So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that
>>> he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
>>>
>>> The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
>>> vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
>>> expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the
>>> doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks
>>> are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can
>>> (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to
>>> 10.'
>>>
>>> The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the
>>> smartest tool in the shed, bu t I don't see how putting
>>> a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help
>>> me.'
>>>
>>> 'Trust me,' said the doctor.
>>>
>>> So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a
>>> beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
>>>
>>> '1'
>>> '2'
>>> '3'
>>> '4'
>>> '5'
>>>
>>> At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his
>>> legs and continued counting on his other hand.
>>>
>>> This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky ,
>>> Louisiana Arkansas, Mississippi , Missouri , West
>>> Virginia , Wisconsin and Washington DC
tasing lessons
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
> > WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood
moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 '' long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ... . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall
waking up on my side in the fetal position, With tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs, the cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a Violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered Conservative?
*(^%#@, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, (as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no
control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
explain this
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent #$%&^*%,' She screamed at him, 'how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.'
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent #$%&^*%,' She screamed at him, 'how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.'
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Baptist Cowgirl
Baptist Cowgirl!!
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The cowgirl replies, 'Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin.
When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way..
She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.
'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' she explains,' It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.
'Hasn't affected my sisters though!'
Monday, September 15, 2008
Japanese technology
Here's how some of the old dot matrix technology works...
Click on this link, then start clicking in the open space to be amazed...
http://www.telltale.jp/fukudaya/creatures/
Click on this link, then start clicking in the open space to be amazed...
http://www.telltale.jp/fukudaya/creatures/
Resimay
Deer Sir,
I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
.
.
.
Employer's response:......
Dear Peggy May,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check
Perfection
Here's a link to a story about a perfect man and woman....
http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf
http://www.flashfunpages.com/couple.swf
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Colonoscopy
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments
during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all..
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all..
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
GI Joe funnies
Here's a link to a bazillion military humorous photos:
http://www.tom-phillips.info/images/funny.military.htm
http://www.tom-phillips.info/images/funny.military.htm
Sunday, August 31, 2008
the Wish
The Wish
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled
upon an unusual old lamp. She picked it up and cleaned
it off, and suddenly a Genie appeared. The amazed woman
asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant
downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and
fierce global competition, I can only grant you one
wish. So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the
Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop
fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady!
These countries have been at war for thousands of years.
I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done.
Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've
never been able to find the right man. You know, one
that's considerate and fun,
likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good
in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch
sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I
wish for... a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said,
"Let me see that damn map!"
Trailer Park Test
Trailer Park Test
You know you're trailer trash when......
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has
more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter
smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and
still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league"
bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their
restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying,
"Hey watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner
are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house
exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down,
depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the
fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your
card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because
there's a law against it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your
wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20 . Your front porch collapses and kills
more than five dogs.
How to speak Chinese
Friday, August 29, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Translating Bush
Translating Bush
Bush: "The Taliban was a sponsor and servant of terrorism. When confronted, that regime chose defiance, and that regime is no more."
Translation: The Taliban has been regrouping, US soldiers are being picked off in Afghanistan, but damn I look good in a flak jacket
Bush: "Across Iraq, life is being improved by liberty."
Translation: There's no water, no electricity, no sewage system, and no security, but Iraqis can watch me on battery-powered TV.
Bush: "Across the Middle East, people are safer because an unstable aggressor has been removed from power. Across the world, nations are more secure because an ally of terror has fallen."
Translation: Anti-occupation recruitment and suicide bombers are just a fad. They're acting out, like the twins. C'mon, girls, give Daddy a kiss!
Bush: "Our international coalition in Iraq is meeting its responsibilities."
Translation: It's not my fault US troops just shot eight Iraqi policemen, and in August the killed six Iraqis, including a father and three of his children. I want to make that perfectly clear to all Americans aged 18 and above.
Bush: "Our actions in Afghanistan and Iraq were supported by many governments and America is grateful to each one."
Translation: Britain is more than one country, you know.
Bush: "The regime of Saddam Hussein cultivated ties to terror while it built weapons of mass destruction. It used those weapons in acts of mass murder and refused to account for them when confronted by the world."
Translation: Hey, I'm not stupid. I know Saddam didn't have a role in 9/11 or weapons of mass destruction, but that sneaky little varmint tried to play the big man. Lucky me!
Bush: "The primary goal of our coalition in Iraq is self-government for the people of Iraq, reached by orderly and democratic process."
Translation: As soon as Halliburton milks the place dry we'll hand it back over.
Bush: "Iraq now has a governing council; the first truly representative institution in that country."
Translation: The CIA selected the best ingrates, I mean, exiles available.
Bush: "Every young democracy needs the help of friends."
Translation: Old democracies can do whatever daggone thing they want.
Bush: "Now the nation of Iraq needs and deserves our aid."
Translation: $80 billion's just the tip of the Iraq trough. A man's got mouths to feed.
Bush: "The Taliban was a sponsor and servant of terrorism. When confronted, that regime chose defiance, and that regime is no more."
Translation: The Taliban has been regrouping, US soldiers are being picked off in Afghanistan, but damn I look good in a flak jacket
Bush: "Across Iraq, life is being improved by liberty."
Translation: There's no water, no electricity, no sewage system, and no security, but Iraqis can watch me on battery-powered TV.
Bush: "Across the Middle East, people are safer because an unstable aggressor has been removed from power. Across the world, nations are more secure because an ally of terror has fallen."
Translation: Anti-occupation recruitment and suicide bombers are just a fad. They're acting out, like the twins. C'mon, girls, give Daddy a kiss!
Bush: "Our international coalition in Iraq is meeting its responsibilities."
Translation: It's not my fault US troops just shot eight Iraqi policemen, and in August the killed six Iraqis, including a father and three of his children. I want to make that perfectly clear to all Americans aged 18 and above.
Bush: "Our actions in Afghanistan and Iraq were supported by many governments and America is grateful to each one."
Translation: Britain is more than one country, you know.
Bush: "The regime of Saddam Hussein cultivated ties to terror while it built weapons of mass destruction. It used those weapons in acts of mass murder and refused to account for them when confronted by the world."
Translation: Hey, I'm not stupid. I know Saddam didn't have a role in 9/11 or weapons of mass destruction, but that sneaky little varmint tried to play the big man. Lucky me!
Bush: "The primary goal of our coalition in Iraq is self-government for the people of Iraq, reached by orderly and democratic process."
Translation: As soon as Halliburton milks the place dry we'll hand it back over.
Bush: "Iraq now has a governing council; the first truly representative institution in that country."
Translation: The CIA selected the best ingrates, I mean, exiles available.
Bush: "Every young democracy needs the help of friends."
Translation: Old democracies can do whatever daggone thing they want.
Bush: "Now the nation of Iraq needs and deserves our aid."
Translation: $80 billion's just the tip of the Iraq trough. A man's got mouths to feed.
female views
How Women See Men
Men are like ...
....Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you
... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
... Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough.
... Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why
... Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
... Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
... Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
... Popcorn ........ They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
... Snowstorms.......You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
... Lava Lamps......Fun to look at, but not very bright.
... Parking Spots....All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Men are like ...
....Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of you
... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
... Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough.
... Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.
... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why
... Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
... Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
... Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.
... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
... Popcorn ........ They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
... Snowstorms.......You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
... Lava Lamps......Fun to look at, but not very bright.
... Parking Spots....All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Modern Times
Modern Times
You know you are living in modern times when -
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
AND..............
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."
15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
You know you are living in modern times when -
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
AND..............
13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."
15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9
17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Why did the chicken cross the road ?
t’s gets better at the end……
BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is
help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'
problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........
reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
Monday, August 25, 2008
How to 'play' Navy
30 Ways To Simulate Being In The Navy When You're At Home
1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of
communication should be with letters that your neighbors have
held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know
or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill,
and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from
the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek,
or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current
events.
4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital
information (i.e.: plugged in, lights come on when doors open,
etc)
5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of
40 people using the same commode.
6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four-hour period.
7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean
and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you
look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to
ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or
night.
10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then
play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get
back to your favorite CD.
11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your
bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10
inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is
four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed
to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first
hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and
night crew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a
rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three
hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire
alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave
rock band.
13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage
and wait two weeks before eating them.
14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can
grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat
everything in three minutes.
15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker
and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore
power.
16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to
simulate a 'black water system' boo-boo.
17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the
face shield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of
it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you
are in the bathroom.
18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances.
Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint
everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls.
Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to
simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or
until it is hard and stale.
23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly
to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst
looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they
carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home
taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges
you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin
blanket for warmth.
26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that
provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a
weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to
95 deg C.
27. Use only spoons that hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it
needs it or not.
29. Remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, *it's* *an*
*adventure!*
30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal
plant on the ship picking up jp5 in the intake -- if a lit match
thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.
1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of
communication should be with letters that your neighbors have
held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know
or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill,
and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from
the outside world. Have a neighbor bring you a Time, Newsweek,
or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current
events.
4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital
information (i.e.: plugged in, lights come on when doors open,
etc)
5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of
40 people using the same commode.
6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four-hour period.
7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean
and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you
look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to
ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or
night.
10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then
play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get
back to your favorite CD.
11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your
bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10
inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is
four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed
to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first
hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and
night crew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a
rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three
hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire
alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave
rock band.
13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage
and wait two weeks before eating them.
14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can
grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat
everything in three minutes.
15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker
and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore
power.
16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to
simulate a 'black water system' boo-boo.
17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the
face shield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of
it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you
are in the bathroom.
18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances.
Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint
everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls.
Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to
simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or
until it is hard and stale.
23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly
to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst
looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they
carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home
taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges
you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin
blanket for warmth.
26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that
provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a
weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to
95 deg C.
27. Use only spoons that hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it
needs it or not.
29. Remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, *it's* *an*
*adventure!*
30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal
plant on the ship picking up jp5 in the intake -- if a lit match
thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.
women over 40
Women Over 40
G-Rated
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it .
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
12584
Monday, August 18, 2008
Abbott and Costello
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
Buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT : Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
Proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT:! Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window's.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
Sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some
Straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
My money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
Buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT : Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
Proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT:! Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Window's.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
Sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some
Straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track
My money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'
How to have a long marriage
At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!
The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what
you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go back and-a get her."
Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!
The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what
you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."
Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go back and-a get her."
Manlaws
From: The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss's car. (d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you ' re sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
-'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
-'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next!'
We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)