the knob

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're
> dead!!!!
>
> A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a
> new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small
> knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and
> could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the
> effect of a brand new
> face-lift. Of course, the woman
> wanted 'The Knob.'
>
> Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the
> knob,
> and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained
> young
> looking and vibrant.
>
> After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon
> with
> two problems.
>
>
> 'All these years, everything has been working just
>
> fine. I've had to turn the knob many times
> and
> I've always loved the results. But now I've
> developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
> terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get
> rid
> of them.'
>
> The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those
> aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
>
> She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in
> asking about the goatee.'
>

clean and funny

>
> > One day, a man came home and was greeted by
> his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
> 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can
> do anything you want.'
> So he tied her up and went golfing.
>
>
> *****************************************
>
> A woman came home, screeching her car into the
> driveway, and ran into the
> house.
> She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
> lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
> The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I
> pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
> 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get
> out.'
>
>
>
>
> ********************************************
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
> always right, and the other is a husband.
>
>
>
>
> *************************************
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a
> driver's license.
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight
> test.
> The optician showed him a card with
> the letters
>
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> 'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
> 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I
> know the guy.'
>
>
> ******************************************
>
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and
> said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We
> have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
> 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
> 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ********************************************
>
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her
> husband.
> Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
> 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more
> butter! Oh my gosh! You're
> cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
> THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we
> going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
> STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You
> NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn
> them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your
> mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
> always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE
> SALT! THE SALT!'
> The wife stared at him.
>
> 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think
> I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
> The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you
> what it feels like when I'm driving.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ********************************************************
>
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina
> mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
> On his first day in basic training, the Army issued
> him a comb.
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his
> hair.
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a
> toothbrush.
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his
> teeth.
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock
> strap.
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51
> years.
> *******************************************
>
>
> "Life's tough; tougher when you're
> stupid." - John Wayne

mexican vocabulary

Mexican words of the day

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

Wrong move

Purina Diet

Yesterday I bought 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Walmart, for my dogs I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the Purina dog food ;is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

Some old stuff

SERENITY Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it? Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing About being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs. I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor's permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, ' For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow old because you stop laughing!!

Duck hunting dummies

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN ?

ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION

REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy bought a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 (with monthly payments
of $560). He and a friend go duck hunting in northern Wisconsin . It's
mid-winter. And of course, all the lakes are frozen.

These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the
new NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to create some natural looking open water
for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float in. Now making
a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck is going to take a
little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the

new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second fuse. Now our two

Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after

lighting the fuse and becoming toast, along with the Navigator, decide on the following

course of action: They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty toss, they
throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. Remember a couple of
paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING,
especially things thrown by its master. You guessed it. The dog takes off
across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the

burning 40 second fuse, just as it hits the ice. The two men swallow, blink, start waving
their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of
rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently
cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun
and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big
enough to stop a black lab at long range. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused,
then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing,
becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses
have gone INSANE. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new
Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe
on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under
the truck and takes off after his master. Then "" "" "" BOOOOOOOOOOOOM"" "" "" ! ! ! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving our two idiots

standing there with, "I can't believe this just happened!" looks on their faces. The insurance

company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by Illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED

by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments.

The dog is okay...doing fine...

And you thought Rednecks lived in the South....