clean and funny

>
> > One day, a man came home and was greeted by
> his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
> 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can
> do anything you want.'
> So he tied her up and went golfing.
>
>
> *****************************************
>
> A woman came home, screeching her car into the
> driveway, and ran into the
> house.
> She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her
> lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
> The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I
> pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
> 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get
> out.'
>
>
>
>
> ********************************************
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
> always right, and the other is a husband.
>
>
>
>
> *************************************
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a
> driver's license.
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight
> test.
> The optician showed him a card with
> the letters
>
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> 'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
> 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I
> know the guy.'
>
>
> ******************************************
>
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and
> said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We
> have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
> 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back.
> 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ********************************************
>
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her
> husband.
> Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
> 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more
> butter! Oh my gosh! You're
> cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
> THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we
> going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to
> STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You
> NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn
> them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your
> mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
> always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE
> SALT! THE SALT!'
> The wife stared at him.
>
> 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think
> I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
> The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you
> what it feels like when I'm driving.'
>
>
>
>
>
>
> ********************************************************
>
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina
> mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
> On his first day in basic training, the Army issued
> him a comb.
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his
> hair.
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a
> toothbrush.
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his
> teeth.
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock
> strap.
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51
> years.
> *******************************************
>
>
> "Life's tough; tougher when you're
> stupid." - John Wayne