Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this June from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs, (B.O.O.M.), responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace."
"Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting pension benefits, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas anyway."
A strike may not be necessary, however, as the number of suicide bombings has been decreasing lately. This has been attributed to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Senior Jokes
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the
hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown.'
------------------------------------------------------------
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
------------------------------------------------------------
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
------------------------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.'
------------------------------------------------------------
One more.. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the
hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown.'
------------------------------------------------------------
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
------------------------------------------------------------
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
------------------------------------------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.'
------------------------------------------------------------
One more.. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Friday, May 7, 2010
gender based vehicle maintenance instructions
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave, driving a properly-maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:
$30.00
Coffee: $1.00
TOTAL: $31.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,and use your debit card for $50.00.
2. Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower car from jack stands.
34. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive car.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Car gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
TOTAL: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH...
AND TO ANY MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT...
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave, driving a properly-maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:
$30.00
Coffee: $1.00
TOTAL: $31.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,and use your debit card for $50.00.
2. Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower car from jack stands.
34. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive car.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Car gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
TOTAL: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
SEND THIS TO WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH...
AND TO ANY MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT...
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Medical funnies
Embarrassing Medical Exams
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's going
to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed
out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take
off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior
chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they
used to be,'. . .replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a
wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial
infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was
having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I
asked. 'The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one
every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put
it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his
body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of
complete confusion she answered 'Why, not for about twenty
years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson - Corvallis, OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and
while checking up on a man I asked 'So how's your breakfast
this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil
packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young
woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk,
sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange
clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for
immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read
'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short
note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry ... had
to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover
my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of
whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was
performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from
laughing so hard 'No doctor but the song you were whistling
was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener''.
Dr. wouldn't submit his name....
ONE MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a
smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first
exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked
his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby
was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and
detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the
doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't
have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.'
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's going
to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed
out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take
off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on
an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior
chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they
used to be,'. . .replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a
wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial
infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with
his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was
having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I
asked. 'The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one
every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put
it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his
body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of
complete confusion she answered 'Why, not for about twenty
years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson - Corvallis, OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and
while checking up on a man I asked 'So how's your breakfast
this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil
packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young
woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk,
sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange
clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for
immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read
'Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short
note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry ... had
to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover
my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of
whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was
performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from
laughing so hard 'No doctor but the song you were whistling
was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener''.
Dr. wouldn't submit his name....
ONE MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a
smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first
exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked
his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby
was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and
detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the
doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't
have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.'
Thursday, April 15, 2010
You Might Be from Montana
Jeff Foxworthy on Montana
If "vacation" to you means going shopping for the weekend in Butte, Deer Lodge, Anaconda,or Missoula. (while the kids swim at the Comfort Inn),
You might live in Montana
If parking your car for the night involves an extension cord
You might live in Montana
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 8 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
You might live in Montana
If you're proud that your state makes the national news primarily because it houses the coldest spot in the nation,
You might live in Montana
If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy",
You might live in Montana
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March,
You might live in Montana
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there,
You might live in Montana.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead,
You might live in Montana.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You might live in Montana.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
You might live in Montana.
If you know how to correctly pronounce Absarokee, Choteau, Ekalaka, and Hysham.
You might live in Montana.
If you measure distance in hours,
You might live in Montana.
If your family vehicle is a crew cab pickup,
You might live in Montana.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once,
You might live in Montana.
If you often switch from "heat" to "A/C"in the same day and back again,
You might live in Montana.
If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching,
You might live in Montana.
If you see people wearing hunting clothes at social events,
You might live in Montana.
If you've installed security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked,
You might live in Montana.
If the largest traffic jam in your town centers around a high school basketball game,
You might live in Montana.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them,
You might live in Montana.
If there are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Wal-Mart at any given time,
You might live in Montana.
If there are more people at work on Christmas Eve Day than on Opening of Deer Season,
You might live in Montana.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
You might live in Montana.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow,
You might live in Montana.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction,
You might live inMontana
If you can identify a southern or eastern accent,
You might live in Montana.
If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce,
You might live in Montana.
If a brat is something you eat,
You might live in Montana.
If finding your misplaced car keys involves looking in the ignition,
You might live in Montana.
If you go out to a fish fry every Friday,
You might live in Montana.
If you find 0 degrees "a little warm,"
You might live in Montana.
If you actually understand these observations, and you forward them to all your Montana friends,
You must be from Montana.
If "vacation" to you means going shopping for the weekend in Butte, Deer Lodge, Anaconda,or Missoula. (while the kids swim at the Comfort Inn),
You might live in Montana
If parking your car for the night involves an extension cord
You might live in Montana
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 8 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
You might live in Montana
If you're proud that your state makes the national news primarily because it houses the coldest spot in the nation,
You might live in Montana
If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy",
You might live in Montana
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March,
You might live in Montana
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there,
You might live in Montana.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead,
You might live in Montana.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You might live in Montana.
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
You might live in Montana.
If you know how to correctly pronounce Absarokee, Choteau, Ekalaka, and Hysham.
You might live in Montana.
If you measure distance in hours,
You might live in Montana.
If your family vehicle is a crew cab pickup,
You might live in Montana.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once,
You might live in Montana.
If you often switch from "heat" to "A/C"in the same day and back again,
You might live in Montana.
If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching,
You might live in Montana.
If you see people wearing hunting clothes at social events,
You might live in Montana.
If you've installed security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked,
You might live in Montana.
If the largest traffic jam in your town centers around a high school basketball game,
You might live in Montana.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them,
You might live in Montana.
If there are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Wal-Mart at any given time,
You might live in Montana.
If there are more people at work on Christmas Eve Day than on Opening of Deer Season,
You might live in Montana.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
You might live in Montana.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow,
You might live in Montana.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction,
You might live inMontana
If you can identify a southern or eastern accent,
You might live in Montana.
If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce,
You might live in Montana.
If a brat is something you eat,
You might live in Montana.
If finding your misplaced car keys involves looking in the ignition,
You might live in Montana.
If you go out to a fish fry every Friday,
You might live in Montana.
If you find 0 degrees "a little warm,"
You might live in Montana.
If you actually understand these observations, and you forward them to all your Montana friends,
You must be from Montana.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
11th husband
The 11th Husband...
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it..
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it...... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the
"GOVERNMENT"
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it..
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it...... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the
"GOVERNMENT"
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
HIGH SCHOOL -- 1959 vs. 2009
HIGH SCHOOL -- 1959 vs. 2009
This should hit every email inbox to show how stupid we have become!!
Scenario 1:
Joe goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Joe's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Joe. (this actually happened in 1959)
2009 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Joe hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers..
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1959 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2009 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1959 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again..
2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1959 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1959 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2009 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1959 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1959 - Ants die.
2009 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1959 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing...
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
This should hit every email inbox to show how stupid we have become!!
This should hit every email inbox to show how stupid we have become!!
Scenario 1:
Joe goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Joe's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Joe. (this actually happened in 1959)
2009 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Joe hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers..
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1959 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2009 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1959 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again..
2009 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1959 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2009 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse.. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1959 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2009 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1959 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2009 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1959 - Ants die.
2009 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1959 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing...
2009 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
This should hit every email inbox to show how stupid we have become!!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
How Fights Start
My wife sat down on the seat next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,
'What's on the TV?'
I said, 'lots of Dust.'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started.....
*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds..'
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started....
******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too..'
And then the fight started....
******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter took my order first.
"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
******************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You
also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done.
was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van GoGo's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made> his day!]
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!
Alex
I probably don't have to ask you to forward this one..
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Subject: The Talking
Clock
After
closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing
off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big
brass gong and a
mallet.
'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the
guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,'
the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished
friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at
it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the
mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped
back. .
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the
morning!
Clock
After
closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing
off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big
brass gong and a
mallet.
'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the
guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,'
the drunk replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished
friend.
'Yup,' replied the drunk.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at
it.
'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the
mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped
back. .
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the
morning!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
senior 911
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.
Friday, January 15, 2010
NY temp conversion
Official Upstate New York Temperature Conversion Chart
60 above:
New Jerseyites try to turn on the heat.
People in Upstate New York.... plant gardens.
50 above:
Californians shiver uncontrollably
People in Upstate New York.... sunbathe.
40 above:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Upstate New York.... drive with the windows down.
32 above:
Distilled water freezes.
Sacandaga Lake's water gets thicker.
20 above:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats.
People in Upstate New York... throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above:
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Upstate New York.... have the last cookout before it gets cold.
0 degrees:
People in Miami all die.
Upstaters lick the flagpole.
20 below:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Upstate New York.... get out their winter coats.
40 below:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Upstate New York are selling cookies door to door.
60 below:
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Upstate New York Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it
gets cold enough.
80 below:
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
People in Upstate New York..... rent some videos.
100 below:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Upstate New York get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
297 below:
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Upstate New York complain about farmers with cold hands.
460 below:
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale)
People in Upstate New York start saying .... "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below:
Hell freezes over.
AND
The BUFFALO BILLS win the Super Bowl.
Yea like that's ever going to happen!!!!!
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60 above:
New Jerseyites try to turn on the heat.
People in Upstate New York.... plant gardens.
50 above:
Californians shiver uncontrollably
People in Upstate New York.... sunbathe.
40 above:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Upstate New York.... drive with the windows down.
32 above:
Distilled water freezes.
Sacandaga Lake's water gets thicker.
20 above:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats.
People in Upstate New York... throw on a flannel shirt.
15 above:
Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Upstate New York.... have the last cookout before it gets cold.
0 degrees:
People in Miami all die.
Upstaters lick the flagpole.
20 below:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Upstate New York.... get out their winter coats.
40 below:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Upstate New York are selling cookies door to door.
60 below:
Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
Upstate New York Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it
gets cold enough.
80 below:
Mt. St. Helen's freezes.
People in Upstate New York..... rent some videos.
100 below:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Upstate New York get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.
297 below:
Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
Cows in Upstate New York complain about farmers with cold hands.
460 below:
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale)
People in Upstate New York start saying .... "Cold 'nuff for ya?"
500 below:
Hell freezes over.
AND
The BUFFALO BILLS win the Super Bowl.
Yea like that's ever going to happen!!!!!
Go to Previous
message |
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message | Back to Mess
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
duh - presidential qualifications
Presidential Qualifications
In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty simple the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Yep, these are the same kind of 18-year-olds that just voted in our last election! They Walk Among US... (That explains a lot, too.)
In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty simple the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Yep, these are the same kind of 18-year-olds that just voted in our last election! They Walk Among US... (That explains a lot, too.)
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