Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is

Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I under stand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh!t.'

Not the best job around

hillbilly vasectomy

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
>>> enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
>>>
>>> So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that
>>> he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
>>>
>>> The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
>>> vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
>>> expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the
>>> doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks
>>> are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can
>>> (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to
>>> 10.'
>>>
>>> The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the
>>> smartest tool in the shed, bu t I don't see how putting
>>> a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help
>>> me.'
>>>
>>> 'Trust me,' said the doctor.
>>>
>>> So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a
>>> beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!
>>>
>>> '1'
>>> '2'
>>> '3'
>>> '4'
>>> '5'
>>>
>>> At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his
>>> legs and continued counting on his other hand.
>>>
>>> This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky ,
>>> Louisiana Arkansas, Mississippi , Missouri , West
>>> Virginia , Wisconsin and Washington DC

tasing lessons

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked my

interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a

little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.


> > WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND

pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood
moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your

assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 '' long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ... . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall
waking up on my side in the fetal position, With tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs, the cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a Violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered Conservative?

*(^%#@, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, (as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no
control over the drooling. Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.

explain this

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent #$%&^*%,' She screamed at him, 'how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.'